


The Tally Marks of Obi-Wan Kenobi

by TheGameIsOn_Geronimo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Someone give Obi-Wan a hug please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 04:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13850244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGameIsOn_Geronimo/pseuds/TheGameIsOn_Geronimo
Summary: When you fall in love with someone - platonically or romantically - a tally mark appears on your wrist. Obi-Wan has a whole row of them. He should really stop giving his heart away to people.





	The Tally Marks of Obi-Wan Kenobi

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! It's been a while since I've written anything, and this is the first time I've written for Star Wars so I hope it's okay.  
> I love Obi-Wan Kenobi so much and he's just so easy to write angst for - I'm sorry!  
> Anyway, this was inspired by a prompt I saw on tumblr, and I just had to write it right then instead of doing my coursework.  
> I hope you enjoy it!

I

Obi-Wan’s first mark appears when he’s nearly thirteen and he’s staring up at a man who actually wants to be his Master. A man who will make him a Padawan. He doesn’t sleep much on the transport that night, staring up at the ceiling with excitement rolling in his stomach and a whole future laid out ahead of him.

He notices the mark the next morning, a small red line standing out as a blemish on the smooth pale skin of his wrist. He traces it with a finger and glances over his shoulder at the closed ‘fresher door. He knows who this must be for – the man who’s given him hope.

He knows what the mark is, of course, there are enough stories and rumours. When you fall in love with someone – be it romantic or platonic – a red mark appears over your pulse. If that love is reciprocated the mark changes to black, a permanent mark etched onto skin. However, if the love fades the mark turns grey, and if the loved one dies, the mark scars. It is a tragedy to see scars standing out on skin, angry and red, a memory of past loss and pain.

Obi-Wan had caught a glimpse of Qui-Gon’s marks in the short period of their acquaintance. A black line marks the inside of his wrist, followed by a faded grey scar, glimpsed briefly before a sleeve concealed them. Over time, Obi-Wan will learn that the first belongs to Tahl, and that it will one day scar, and that the second is for Xanatos, the apprentice who fell and left a wound on Qui-Gon’s wrist as well as his heart.

Obi-Wan’s mark will take a while to turn black. A few missions, and more than a few opportunities to prove himself, and Qui-Gon seems to finally realise what a gift he has been given. When Obi-Wan’s fifteen, he hears Qui-Gon tell him he’s proud of him, and when he looks at his own wrist, the mark shows to the world that finally, finally, they are the Master-Padawan team the Force wants them to be, built of trust and love.

On Naboo, the mark burns as Darth Maul drives his lightsaber through Qui-Gon’s abdomen. Obi-Wan barely notices the pain as he yells, and runs, and fights, and cuts Darth Maul to pieces. He holds Qui-Gon in his arms and makes him a promise, and when the royal guards finally find him, and pull his Master’s body away, Obi-Wan sees the scar imprinted on his wrist.

 

II

Obi-Wan is sixteen and fearless and cocky when the mark for his Master gets a friend. He’s known her for a while – after all they’ve been in the same classes since the creche – but he realises now that he’s never _noticed_ her before. Not the way she looks as she stands in front of him on the dojo mat, blonde hair falling out of her braid and framing her face as she salutes him with her saber.

The fight is long and hard – they are evenly matched despite the praise Obi-Wan always gets about his prowess with a lightsaber above the level of his agemates. It’s pretty much dumb luck, he decides, when she manages to land a hit on his leg, knocking him over and bringing the saber to buzz threateningly close to his panting chest.

The Master calls the end of the match, and Siri Tachi switches off her saber, and offers him a hand up, which he accepts. She says ‘good fight’, and smiles, and Obi-Wan feels a swooping in his stomach and decides the sun itself isn’t even as bright as that look.

He sees the mark that night, and realises that it’s black. He spends half the night worrying about _attachments_ and _feelings_ , and vows that he’ll never let that get in the way of his path to become a Jedi. Over time, the mark fades to grey and Siri and him become friends, forever reminded of stupid teenage love by the marks on their skin.

 

III

A mission that lasts over a year was bound to have lasting consequences. He should have known that helping a clever and funny young Duchess was bound to form another mark on the twenty-year old. Duchess Satine is strong and brave, and Obi-Wan is older now and still has much to learn, but he thinks he knows what love is. It’s watching the sunset with someone leaning on your shoulder. It’s taking walks through the gardens, and only when they’re definitely out of sight of the palace reaching out and wrapping calloused fingers around smooth ones. It’s brushing lips in the shadows behind a staircase, while furiously making sure nothing leaks across his learner’s bond. In the end, it’s pain as he boards the transport that will take him away from her. In the end, he’s starting to realise, everything hurts.

The black mark doesn’t fade over the years. He thinks of her sometimes in the bird song in the Temple gardens, or in the crash of the waves on some distant planet where the beaches stretch in all directions. And then, when the galaxy’s at war and he has to wear armour over his Jedi robes, he sees her again. Sees her sitting high and beautiful and perfect, and it’s like he never had to leave her. Anakin teases him relentlessly, but it doesn’t matter, because she’s here and alive, and he’s struggling under the weight of the lives being lost in this stupid war, but when he looks at her he feels twenty all over again.

Darth Maul runs her through right in front of his eyes, and it’s like some sick parody of Qui-Gon’s death. His heart shatters as he cradles her, and his mind screams _No no no_ and he knows somewhere deep inside of him that _I would have broken my vows for you. If you had asked I would have stopped being a Jedi_. But that path is lost, and he is powerless and he has failed her. When her body is gone, he collects up the broken pieces of his heart and tries to put it back together. He tugs his sleeve down over the new scar on his wrist, and wears his armour as a shield, because _He is a Jedi_ , and he doesn’t _love_.

 

IIII

Anakin steals his heart far too quickly, with his endearing smiles and boisterous voice. Obi-Wan had promised to train him, and it is so difficult at first. A broken man, trying to find his feet after losing his Master, blindly leading a boy desperate for the warm embrace of his mother in a strange new world. Anakin has nightmares, and Obi-Wan sits with him while he cries. He makes him tea in the morning, and teaches him to stop fiddling with his hands while they meditate. They heal together, and as they do Anakin burrows into his heart and leaves a new mark on his wrist, which slowly turns black as the child begins to trust him. He has never been prouder of anyone in his whole life.

One day, Anakin asks him about the marks. He extends a pale, thin wrist for his Master’s inspection and there are two small tallies – one red, one black. Two loves, one reciprocated, and the other unknown. He knows the black one is for him, it’s partner stands starkly on his own skin next to older marks. He explains to the boy about love and the marks, and Anakin watches him with awe and then asks if he can see his.

Obi-Wan obliges, because he can’t say no to his over-eager Padawan, and tugs up his sleeve, showing the boy the lines – two clear black, one faded, one an ugly scar. Anakin brushes his fingertips against them, and Obi-Wan shudders at the touch of smooth fingertips over his skin. He feels exposed suddenly, like the scarred mark on his wrist reveals all his secrets and all the cracks over his heart. Anakin doesn’t say anything, just pulls his hand away and then asks if they can go to the dojo.

The mark stays clear for years, despite the up and down relationship brought about by teenage anger and hatred. The marks keep them close, and bear witness to death and war and pain. They show what they are to each other – Master, Padawan, friend, comrades, _brothers_.

When Anakin falls, Obi-Wan feels like he will break apart and never be able to stand again. On that smoking slope of ash and rock he watches his best friend writhe in agony by the river of lava. They yell at each other and all Obi-Wan can think is _How can this be how it ends?_. He tells Anakin he loved him, a truth always known but never spoken, and turns away from him. He is unable to kill his Padawan, and perhaps that makes him weak, but his heart could not take the strain of even one more death.

On the ship he looks at his wrist and wills the black mark to turn to a scar, a symbol that Anakin has died from his wounds. It doesn’t scar, but the skin cracks open and oozes blood that runs down his wrist. He doesn’t know what that means, so he hides it away and tries to stop everything he has ever known falling apart.

Years later and the wound still hasn’t healed. He catches it on his cuffs, and it breaks open again, blood smearing over the other marks on his wrist. In some ways it angers him, that Anakin – or Vader now – seems to be trying to take his loves from him, after everything else he took – his Master, his independent knighthood, his heart, his Temple, _the Jedi_. In other ways, it makes him feel like a failure – the wound shows Anakin lives and his evil spreads across the galaxy like a black shadow. Sometimes, it makes him feel hope. Things that fall can surely be caught? And things that live have the chance to change.

 

IIIII

Obi-Wan first meets Ahsoka in the middle of the Clone Wars. She’s young and carefree, and really should never have been thrust into a warzone. He watches with pride as she learns and grows from his own Padawan, and he can only guess that this might be what being a father feels like.

The mark appears on his wrist after they’ve learnt more about each other, after she’s snuck under his stern Negotiator façade and made him laugh, and after he’s caught her crying over the death surrounding them and held her until she can breathe again.

The mark is black, and she shows hers to him with a smile, sitting next to an identical brother that must be for her ‘Skyguy’. He vows to keep her safe, and teaches her as much as he can, but when she loses her faith in the Jedi Council there’s nothing he – or anyone – can say or do to convince her otherwise. A betrayal this large doesn’t heal easily, and so Obi-Wan watches with the other Masters as she decides to leave the Jedi Order. In some part of his heart that isn’t missing her terribly, he realises that she is the bravest of all of them to follow her heart and walk away from the terrible war dragging ever onwards.

He checks the mark on his wrist every morning. It stays black and he prays to the Force that he will never have to witness waking up with a scar in its place. One night in a lonely desert, he does.

 

IIIIIII

Obi-Wan gains two more marks during those dark years of the Clone Wars. He really should have known that fighting beside people day after day leads to attachments and trust and giving his love to others.

When he first meets them, he doesn’t think much of them. They stand ram-rod straight in front of him and General Skywalker as they inspect their new battalions, the only things setting them out being the colours painted on pure white armour. Commanders Cody and Rex they say their names are, and overtime Obi-Wan learns to love their individuality and their bravery.

The marks appear after a blood-bath. A half-forgotten planet in the Outer Rim where Separatist forces clash with the Republic and clones and droid parts litter the battle field. It isn’t pretty, but then war never is. He thinks they appear because that is the moment when he realises that Rex and Cody would die for him. They follow his heels as he runs at enemies against impossible odds, and in his heart he is grateful for their continual support, the quietest voice whispering in his brain that if something went wrong, then at least he wouldn’t die _alone._ There are few other people who he would rather die beside.

The marks stay stark and black against his pale skin throughout the war. Marks of brothers-in-arms, and memories of bitter defeats, hard struggles, but also snatches of laughter and quiet companionship.

When Order 66 is called, the marks fade to grey within the space of a heartbeat. The loss of colour catches his gaze and gives him the split second needed to realise that something is _very wrong_ and get away from the clones before they start to shoot at him. It makes his heart ache, to think that despite their uniqueness and their sacrifices, in the end Rex and Cody were taken over by a simple program override, and it broke everything they had managed to build.

 

IIIIIIII

He falls in love with Padmé like she’s his younger sister. He respects her wisdom and her strong will, her determination to do something right despite the corruption that creeps through politics. He had seen her strength when they first met in Naboo, and it never falters through the Senate, and Obi-Wan loves her for simply holding her head up and standing tall.

Of course, he also loves her because Anakin loves her. He isn’t blind to his Padawan’s infatuated gazes at her, and as Anakin gets older he never becomes any more subtle. He sees the way Anakin returns to their quarters early in the morning before dawn, and the way he excuses himself from the Temple as soon as he can when they return from their missions.

It must be nice, Obi-Wan reflects, to have someone warm, kind, and solid to return to. To hold someone close and feel like you’re safe and _home_. It’s something he has never truly experienced, but he sees how it loosens the tension in Anakin’s shoulders, how it snuffs out the anger that frequently lights his gaze, and how it makes him laugh just that little bit louder. Obi-Wan loves Padmé for being able to do that, and so a mark appears on his wrist next to the row of others.

He watches them from afar, and makes sure she is safe even though he knows Anakin is always watching over her like a hawk. When he has to tell her what Anakin has done, despair bubbles in his stomach and his heart feels like a stone in his chest. He has no right to break their love, and yet he can’t bear to let her continue without the knowledge. Especially not when he considers the children.

He obviously understands love better than anyone knows, as he follows Padmé predictably straight path to Mustafar and straight to Darth Vader. It’s what he was planning to do. The two people who loved Anakin the most rushing across the galaxy to reach him, and only returning with scars. That’s the thing about Anakin Skywalker – he shines so brightly in the Force, but if you stand too close you’ll get burnt.

Obi-Wan takes the place of the father as Padmé gives birth. He holds her hands, and brushes the hair off her sweaty forehead. Two bundles are handed to him, and he shows them to her. In his chest, his heart threatens to burst, for how can it hold such grief and such joy simultaneously?

She drifts away from him, lying there on that cold bed without the man who should have been there. Obi-Wan wants to grab her shoulders, shake her awake, and scream _Don’t leave me here alone_. But he can’t, and she dies there in front of his powerless eyes. What he wouldn’t give to be able to do the same.

The mark scars onto his wrist, and Obi-Wan takes the children and he runs.

 

IIIIIIIIII

The man sits wrapped in his cloak, hood pulled up over his face. He’s obscured in the shadows of the ship’s hold which he had sneaked onto from the landing pad in Coruscant. He doesn’t know whether he’ll ever return to the planet that once held his whole world.

Obi-Wan bends over his precious cargo. They are still in his arms, wrapped tightly in blankets, and seeming to know that this is not the time to cry and make a fuss. He stares into their faces, and decides that he has never seen anything more beautiful. They shimmer in the force, and their eyes stare up at him – both pairs instantly recognisable as two people Obi-Wan loved and lost.

In that dark corner, suspended in time and space as the ship rushes through hyperspace, Obi-Wan lets himself break down. He shakes and sobs, and tears splatter onto the shining floor and the bundles clutched to his chest. He has lost everything – his Master, his Padawan, his friends, his home, his _people_ – and the future is clouded and impossible to imagine.

His first job is to find homes for the children, so they won’t have to grow up with a broken Jedi full of grief and self-doubt. The girl – Leia – will go to Alderaan where she will become a princess, and the boy – Luke – will go to Tatooine to grow up on the sandy wastes and dream of the stars. However, for the moment, the children are his, and he can bask in their warmth and their innocence. Darkness has not touched these children, despite their conception and their birth. They are pure, and Obi-Wan worries quietly that just being in contact with him will tarnish them. The love of Obi-Wan Kenobi seems to be a dangerous thing.

The marks appear on his wrists in those quiet hours, pure black at the end of the line of faded greys and scars. He feels a deep warmth in his heart knowing that these children love him back, and in fact at this moment he is everything they know. Over the next long years, Obi-Wan will trace those twin marks on his wrist and allow himself a smile at what they represent. They give him _Hope_.


End file.
